4.5 months

to my adoring public....*AHEMjessicaAHEM*  I'm sorry I haven't written about Madison lately.  Part of it is that I am sooooooo stinkin busy between two part time jobs and being a mommy! 

My little bit weighed 12 lbs 4 oz at her 4 month checkup. She was in the 25th percentile for just about everything: length, height and head circumference. One thing she was 25-50th, but I can't remember what.

She is still in size 2 diapers, and is officially in 3-6 month clothes, though she can still wear some bigger 0-3 stuff.

I love that she is small because I think that makes her so much cuter :)  I don't know why!  I would probably say I love it that she's big, if she was big haha.

She has her first ear infection right now :(  I'm hoping she gets over it fast!  I hate seeing her feeling bad.  I gave her some tylenol, so hopefully she will feel better soon.

She is such a little ham :)  She has such a big personality for such a little girl :)  She makes me smile every single hour I am awake.  Every time I think about her, I smile.  When she goes to sleep at night, I miss her.  Sometimes it seems pointless to be awake when I can't play with Madison :)

She is giggling, shrieking, cooing, and otherwise making her presence known ;) she is getting good at grabbing things and putting them in her mouth.  She grabbed my ice cream bowl earlier!!

Her hair is growing so long!  When it is all brushed to the front, it comes almost past her eyebrows.  We sweep it to the side.  She has a couple strands that are wavy...I think she's got her momma's hair, poor girl!!


Mkay, now about me.  Juggling two part time jobs and being a mommy leaves me room for little else.  I get on facebook and check my email once, maybe twice a day.  But you know what is the hardest part about it all?  Being a good wife.
Working is easy.  You just do it.  You show up, work, go home.  or set aside time to work, do it, then you're done.  Being a mommy is easy. Just love my baby girl and do whatever she needs.

But making sure I am kind to my husband, I am fair to him, I set aside time that is just for the two of us?  That's hard. I'm having a hard time with guilt.  And thus I'm having a hard time feeling lovey towards him.  Because its not all hunky dory.  And I have a hard time separating everything.  It's all mashed together, and it affects my affection.  And then I feel guilty about it.  ugggghhhhh.  It's a vicious cycle.   Does that make any sense?  It makes sense to me. 
It's really hard to act lovey towards him.  Because when I look at him, all I feel is guilt for putting him through this.  And shame.  And then guilt that he doesn't even blame me. And then I'm mad at myself, and it's hard to be yourself when you're mad at yourself. I don't even know who I am anymore.  My identity is rocked.

I just want this chapter to come to an end.  I need a new chapter to start, with a fresh start and hope.
Because right now.....even my best is not good enough.  my best is not paying the bills. my best is not making me happy.  I feel like my best isn't there any more.  Like I don't have a "best".  Like my "best" is terrible.  It doesn't even compare to other people's "best"s. If I tried my best to begin with, we wouldn't be in this situation.

I am a mess.  A complete and utter mess.  I want it to get easier.  I want it to fade.  I want my new future to start, because surely this isn't it.

It can't be.